Pursue

Technically I’ve already written about yearly goals. But this isn’t just about the resolutions and goals I have for this year. It’s about the resolutions and goals I have for my entire life and what I’m doing now to work towards them. It’s about pursuing my dreams and thriving in every moment along the way, hence my word for the year: Pursue.

I tend to over-plan and set too high of expectations for myself, especially in my creative efforts. Considering how I’ve done the last several years in achieving the goals I’ve set, I don’t have a chance of coming close this year.

But I’m doing things differently.

Not only am I setting goals, but I’m also planning everything out in detail—scheduling my writing, editing, posting, and sharing; creating rewards for my accomplishments and punishments for my failures; and finding people to hold me accountable, inspire me, tell me off, and rant with.

If you aren’t already aware, I have five major writing goals for the year:

  1. Post at least one blog a week.
  2. Finish the rough draft of my first novel by the end of June.
  3. Write, edit, and post at least one video a week.
  4. Write at least one poem a week.
  5. Write at least four short stories this year.

I know there will be times I exceed these goals, and I also know there will be times that I fail gloriously. But the point is to keep creating, no matter my mood or lack of belief in myself because these are my dreams. And I will not let myself give up the things I love because of my own self-doubt.

I’m also working towards doing yoga and other forms of exercise more regularly, eating healthier, saving up money (which is difficult when I might not have a job after next week), and taking time to relax. Doing all of this and trying to achieve my creative goals may be awful on occasion, and I’ll definitely want to give up sometimes. But I won’t. I won’t be happy if I do. Goodness, I’ve already fallen a bit behind. Even so, I will not stop trying to accomplish these dreams. I will work to catch up when possible, and I will continue turning to people who can keep me accountable.

I did the cliche thing and started most of my goals at the start of the year, even though doing so is rather arbitrary, because it feels easier and somehow more inspiring. Also, it’s just loads easier to track my progress when I start a goal at the beginning of a year instead of the middle of a random month.

Anyways. Whatever goals you set for yourself at the beginning of 2017, I truly hope that you are able to meet them. In this third week of the year, when motivation and inspiration start to fade and you start thinking about giving up on those goals, know that they and your dreams are attainable. Don’t give up on yourself. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your goals or terrified of what others’ opinion may be, think of how you’ll feel if you give up and then think of how you’ll feel if you push through and achieve those dreams. Because very few things feel as good as meeting goals that you once felt were impossible. And, love, you can do it.

What are some of your goals for the year? Let me know in the comments!

Confession 4: Stupid Quizzes

I really enjoy doing those stupid quizzes that people share on Facebook or that are found on Buzzfeed. I know they’re completely ridiculous, but I still like answering the questions and seeing my results.

I never know how my answers will vary from day to day. Sometimes I like the colour red most, others it’s purple or blue. Sometimes I feel like being around people, others I want to be completely alone. There are some questions though, that make me stop and think about where my life is headed and what I think of my life now. My passions, desires, and dreams seem to be in a constant state of flux, and these quizzes will occasionally help me focus on the moment, on what’s changing in my life right now. Despite how bizarre and unreliable/farfetched the results may be, the questions help me understand myself. And beyond the questions, the results can often be hilarious, which is brilliant. But on occasion, the results will say something that encourages me or inspires me. At times, the results help me understand who I could be, how I could better my life.

They are completely ridiculous, but for some strange reason, they help me like who I am and who I am becoming.

A Not-How-I-Want-It-to-End Situation

As I’m facing a potentially not-how-I-want-it-to-end situation, I’m trying to both face reality as well as continue pursuing my dreams. The process of sorting out my finances for this semester has been even more difficult than usual as I am to partake in my fifth year of university (for just one semester). Because of this, my aid dropped substantially, and I only have two days to finish financial registration before a $100 fee is added to my account. I still need nearly $3500. Waiting on the government and other financial resources to finish coming through or contact my family is really challenging, and the waiting is almost making me want to just drop out and attempt living my life now. It’s tempting, but I’m so close to earning my bachelor’s in English, and there is no way I would actually give up now.

It also isn’t encouraging me about what will come after the semester ends. I have no money and no idea where I will end up, but I have ideas. Ideas about where I might like to go and what I would like to do. Some of these ideas are things which could take years to achieve, but I want to pursue them the most. Ideas which have been lifelong dreams, like living in England and becoming fluent in French. Others have been in existence for quite as long, but they have just as much appeal, like getting a master’s in Linguistics and writing.

Even through these confusing (and somewhat terrifying) times, I have so many people who are supporting my ideas and dreams. Although very, very few (if any) can support me financially through all of this, basically everyone I know is constantly encouraging me and pushing me to improve myself and my talents. To/For all these people, I could never be thankful enough.

Here’s to wishing, hoping, working, and praying this time through to victory, fulfillment, and flourish-ment.

No Idea

I have no idea what I am doing.
I never really have; I’m just one of those people that kind of goes with the flow and has far too many interests and can’t make up her mind.

All of this terrifies me. I’m graduating from college in less than six months, and I have no idea what I’m going to do. I want to continue on to graduate school, but I also want to work as an editor, move to France, move to England, crochet, write, play music, become a blogger/Youtuber, go to culinary school, be an artist, and design menswear, and those things are only half of what pops into my mind when I think about my desires for my future for a couple of seconds.
I’ve always had so many interests that I can’t count them, but as I approach the real world, the shocking reality that I cannot do every single one of these things becomes clearer and clearer. I need to make some rather drastic changes in my life, including deciding what desires I want more than others. However, I hate stopping to think about it all because it becomes incredibly overwhelming quite quickly.

I’ve been feeling rather inspired lately, but I don’t know what to do. I know I want to create, but I never know what to make or write or play when I’m feeling more inspired and become overwhelmed with the wonderful sense of awe that inspiration brings and with the dread that fills my mind upon realising that I have no idea what work on.

Today, I could tell that my inspiration was leaning most toward languages, so I spent about two hours studying, half an hour reading aloud in, and half an hour listening to a book in French. Even though, sometimes, I can feel overwhelmed by languages, I’ve never found myself actually being tired of learning them or about them, which is brilliant. However, I don’t know enough about any language to pursue a career in it. My goal for languages throughout my life is to become fluent in French and learn at least basic Spanish, Italian, German, Latin, and Portuguese. Aside from this goal and longing to live in France for a spell and the UK for most of my life, I don’t have any clue what I’m going to do, or where I’m going to do it. I know after this semester I will probably have a much better understanding of some of the things which I am interested in doing and my capabilities in those areas, but I wish I knew more about my life now. Since I only know certain areas of interest and desires, I will try to focus on those and try to hone my skills so that, when January comes, I will enter the real world and be unstoppable. Well, at least I’ll be unstoppable from pursuing my dreams and making several mistakes and a few remarkable discoveries about myself along the way.

Wasting

This week, I’ve spent a large amount of my time painting. I haven’t done this for a year…
It’s been a bit frustrating because there are several things which would have taken me a lot less time to do in the past. Not painting for a full year has been difficult on occasion, but overall, it has given me a lot more time to focus on school and research and crocheting/knitting. I am starting to enjoy it again a bit, but I still feel a bit as though I’ve been wasting my time. The things I’ve been doing or, rather, making to get paid tend to be things I find relaxing. I often feel as though I’m wasting my time by working on these things, even if I do get paid.

I want to find something that I truly love to do, yet don’t feel as though I’m wasting time when I’m working on it for a career. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I am doing.

Fictional Inspiration

There are so many books, movies, and shows which make me wish I lived a life full of crazy adventures and was so unbelievably talented/skilled/learned in an area that I could work for these cool organisations. These shows make me want to spend my life learning and theorising about things which aren’t in my field of study. Shows like Torchwood, Alphas, Primeval, Dollhouse, and Supernatural.

I know that these shows are based on situations which don’t exist (though we all secretly hope they do), but that doesn’t change my desire to learn about them and to broaden my knowledge and experience. I want to  save the earth from aliens with Captain Jack Harkness, see electromagnetic wavelengths with Gary Bell, research anomalies with Connor Temple, rescue the Actives with Paul Ballard, and fight off evil with Sam and Dean Winchester. But here I am, continuing to sit at my computer day after day without taking any steps toward living a life like those I see in my favourite shows. If I put my mind and body to it, I would be capable of anything I wanted. So why do I always sit around, occasionally researching things, looking for jobs, trying to make things without putting my mind to being extraordinary?

If we all tried, we would be geniuses in our areas of interest. So why don’t we try? Why don’t we put ourselves out there and become like our favourite characters and fight for the betterment of the world with our not-necessarily-unique skills. I know sometimes I don’t do things that would help the world be a better place, even if it’s just for one person, because I won’t be recognised for it. We don’t need to be recognised for making a difference, though we would all like that on occasion. Basically none of our favourite characters are recognised for what they did, yet they continue anyway. So why not be like them? Let’s discipline ourselves to become better and better day by day so that we can live extraordinary lives, even if we are the only ones who see them as more than ordinary.

Fernweh

Today a good friend of mine returned to where we first met. She technically landed tomorrow morning in France. As stated in my last post, I always want to go back to Normandy, a place I call home, but getting a message from her this afternoon saying she had arrived to the very home we lived in last year is really difficult. It had been a goal of mine to return this summer as well, but things just didn’t work out. All day, before I even got her message saying she had arrived, I have been dwelling on thoughts of Normandy and my French family and friends. I long to return so badly… I want to be back in France, thrown into the culture and language that fascinate me so. I want to see the people I met while there and spend hours talking with them. I want to walk along the beach and eat crêpes. I want to have fresh baguette sandwiches with butter, meat, and lettuce. I want to be able to wake up and see the only place that I have truly and completely considered home. But that probably won’t happen soon, and it breaks my heart.