Confession 3: A Constant Struggle

Shaking hands; hyperventilation; a feeling that nothing will ever be okay again (even though I know it will be); the indescribable fear, sadness, or nervousness that overwhelms me. These are the first four things I think of when I think of anxiety and panic attacks, and I let my fear of them control my life.

I’m one of those people that has panic attacks when I ride in a car, make a phone call (or even think about making one), turn in applications, talk to strangers (or even sometimes to friends), think about the future, plan anything, and work toward achieving my dreams. It doesn’t happen every time, and sometimes I can do these things with ease. But usually, inside my mind, I am freaking out. Then there are the things which are long-term, big-commitment, and they freaking terrify me.

I seem to always come up with “logical” reasons to explain why I don’t do things that scare me; I mean, I completely dismiss that my anxiety is controlling me and tell myself and everyone around me that the reason is something that might make sense in the given circumstances. I tell myself these lies until I believe them. But it’s time for this to end. Even if I can’t get past the anxiety in certain situations, I need to be honest with myself and those around me about why I am not doing them.

I don’t really know how to keep myself accountable for stuff like this beyond going to a therapist, but 1. I’m poor, and 2. the thought of going to a therapist also terrifies me. But for now, the first step is admitting I have a problem and that I cannot let this problem control me anymore.